We know that if you have a poor sense of self-esteem, then you often feel less valued within a relationship. However, we also now know that your self-esteem correlates to how you indirectly communicate to your partner and often what their response will be.
Researchers recently published a study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin that indicated couples pick up more than words from each other's communication. Researchers took 176 couples and surveyed them, measuring their levels of self-esteem, insecurity and their levels of closeness and intimacy to their partner. These couples were asked one thing they'd like to improve about themselves, and then asked to share this goal with their partner whilst being observed.
They noted that couples with lower self-esteem often use ineffective indirect or passive behaviour whilst communicating - things such as sulking, whining or showing sadness. When they did use these indirect ways of asking for support, it elicited negative responses from their partner, such as criticism, disapproval or blame. These were identified as using indirect ways of asking for support and linked to a lower self-esteem. The partners appeared to read their partner's response as low responsiveness or rejection (a.k.a “you don't care about me!”).
Couples who used more direct styles of communication, eg. asking for help and taking personal responsibility for their emotions, appeared to find that their partners were more attentive and caring towards them. The partner could notice if their other half was owning their issues and thus responds kindly and supportively. This correlates to someone with a healthy self-esteem or being in a relationship that can build self-esteem.
The key message? Identify what is going on for you, own it and then share it. Your partner may be able to be more sensitive to your poor behaviour (when you have it), be able to flag it and then have a good conversation with you about what is going on.
