It is very normal for couples in long-term relationships to argue - and arguing in itself is not an issue. Conflicts are necessary as a partnership involves two people who will have different emotions, concepts and values. These need to be negotiated regularly. The issue is HOW to argue.
If one partner becomes negative in the conflict and the other partner links into that negativity, then the conflict tends to escalate (quickly) and the couple finds they go around and around the issue and can never seem to find their way out. They often stop arguing about the issue because they are 'playing the man' and see their partner as a threat. The argument totally revolves around being ‘the winner’ and not about connection and resolution. It often becomes very escalated at this point and damaging to the individuals.
In 2014, researchers from three Universities in the States (Stanford, California and Northwestern) looked at how couples could bring down the energy and behaviours in the midst of conflict. The study of couples showed that if the couple could keep their negative energy and behaviour in a managed way, then they tended to have more resilient relationships. It appears this is more important, especially, for women to possess these skills because they seem to set the emotional level of the relationship during communication that is about emotions. Women are also often the individual within the couple that will bring issues up and want to discuss concerns.
Sometimes working things through doesn't work so well and I know that there are times where you have gone around and around the issue so many times and can't see clearly anymore. It's often worth at that point seeing a professional - we have the ability to be the one to bring out the issues within the argument clearly. Acknowledging the pain and hurt is important but without allowing it to become a fighting match. The third person in the room can ensure everyone is behaving better to allow communication to occur.
To book a couples session with a qualified counsellor, head to Schedule Your First Session, put in your details and we’ll get back to you to organise a time that suits you.
