When there is conflict within a relationship, we often feel that there is something wrong with the relationship or something wrong with us. This, however, is not necessarily true, as conflict is a way to enable change and to work through issues that invariably come up when two people are trying to share a life together. Conflict occurs in healthy relationships and toxic relationships – the difference is that those in healthy relationships utilise conflict to grow together and don’t shy away from dealing with the tough stuff.
So how do those in healthy relationships (note – not perfect relationships) utilise conflict to bring them together?
Keep the big picture in mind. Within an argument that is going pear-shaped, you find the individuals beginning to want to win at all costs and to make your partner feel as bad as possible. Trying to recognise this shift has occurred within yourself and to step back and look at the big picture is always a good idea. What you want is for your relationship to win, and for both partners to feel a sense of ownership and compromise. Identify what you want to get out of the conflict discussion and what others would say if they were in the midst of the argument. Would it change how you were going about it?
Practise communication through drive-thru. A good fast food drive-thru operator will acknowledge your order by confirming it through reading it out to you, then ending with ‘is that correct?’. This enables you to confirm if your order was or was not heard correctly. This can be very effective within an argument; one partner says what they are feeling or thinking and the other partner repeats the statement and asks if what they heard was correct. The value of this is that each partner can ensure what they are feeling is heard and it can also slow down the argument and help it to stay on track in order to come up with an outcome for each partner.
Have a break. Sometimes if there is no resolution and you feel like you’ve hit a brick wall or the argument has become highly personal and volatile, then some time out is effective. It appears that taking twenty to thirty minutes out in order to calm down and breathe can be effective in helping each partner to reset themselves. Using this time to go for a walk or listen to some music is ideal to calm your heart rate and give your space to process. Researchers have shown that having a break of more than twenty minutes enables the partners to commence a constructive discussion; there is often more humour involved and empathy for our partner increases.
Good luck and enjoy becoming more productive in your conflict!
