I’ve read an article recently about how judging your partner’s intentions can impact on the satisfaction you feel as a couple. It was interesting as I reflected on a recent weekend experience with my husband. But I will tell you about this in just a second.
What was discovered in the research was that the assumptions we make about our partner and whether they did or didn’t do something is what is called an attribution pattern. Basically, this relates to whether you judge your partner’s behaviour through jumping to conclusions or through thinking through their possible choices. Brene Brown talks about ‘the story we tell ourselves’ within a situation. So, if we judge our partner in a more positive light and look at their mistakes through the lens of intending not to cause harm then our relationship can be more positive, and we can get through issues with more success. If we judge the intent of our partner through the lens of deliberate and harmful, then we will have less success to work out a plan.
So, I will give you an example. The other week I came home from a day in my therapy rooms expecting to find the washing piled up in front of the washing machine. Now this was a Saturday and we normally do our washing on this day. Generally, whoever is at home gets the process rolling. However, on this day I returned home to find the sheets still on the bed, the washing still in the washing basket and the home quiet and empty. Now there are two ways I can look at this situation with my husband:
1. He is lazy, is out on the town having a fantastic day off while I am working and he expects that I will get the washing done when I get home from work. This means he is not a good person.
2. OR, something has occurred that means he is out doing something that is of value for him and he is still intending to put the washing in when he returns home. He is still a good person.
Now I would like to tell you that I was thinking of number 2, when in reality I was thinking of number 1 as I walked in through the door. The story I am telling myself is ‘he just expects I will do it and he doesn’t care whether I am tired or not’. After a phone call I discover the reason he is out and that he fully intends to do the washing on his return, and I am to make myself a cup of tea and sit and relax.
Some tips to help you get to the better option;
1. Look at the intent of your partner and ask if they were intentionally trying to hurt you and to be selfish?
2. Does this one episode really say that my partner is of bad character?
3. Is this normal behaviour for my partner?
It is so easy for our brain to head to places that we need to stop it heading to. I often tell clients it is like having a train in our head that has left the station and is heading for another station. We need to slow down the train or stop the train or send the train to another station and that is through asking ourselves some questions. Next time I am going to ask myself these questions before the phone call!
