In a recent article by Dr Forrest Tally – on the Psychology Today website, of course – he wrote about some key things required to understand and promote a healthy marriage or partnership. At the time of reading, I was doing some researching into positive strategies that couples in therapy could try to implement and work on together whilst I was working with some couples that wanted some simple tools. I thought today I would encapsulate his concepts into four keys to remember and try to practice together – it is always better if the two within the relationship can work this out together. I’ve added some questions that you may use to check how you are going or how you could improve.
1. Remember you are not perfect, and neither is your partner. You are a human being with flaws, and so is your partner. Navigating a relationship as two flawed human beings is one of self-compassion (obviously around self-care and tackling your own negative thinking) and empathy for your partner as they struggle with their own issues. Constant communication about your own personal struggles and the struggles you are facing as a couple is crucial, including having grace for each other’s flaws and mistakes. You might be dealing with a short fuse and your partner might be dealing with procrastination – neither is greater than the other.
Look into:
- What questions can you ask your partner so as to identify what they are struggling with at the moment?
- How can you support them in the middle of their struggle?
- What does empathy look like to your partner?
2. Remember your partner can never complete you. You are not a complete human yet and life is a process of adding more parts in order to be a more fully formed human being. Your partner was never meant to be the whole answer or solution. You often hear within songs or statements along the lines – “he completes me”, or “I am only half of me without him”. Your partner has a role in helping you form a more whole you, but as well as other people such as friends and family and colleagues. Your partner may know you better than others and can assist with an honest awareness of your strengths and challenges but only you can complete you.
- What pressure do you place on your partner to fix or cover your issues?
- What can you do to support your partner?
- What do you need to help yourself improve as a person, a partner, a parent, a friend?
3. Remember your marriage or relationship is like a bank account - you invest into it and you get returns out of it. This means you need to be intentional about investing time and energy and space into your relationship – things such as communication, dating and fun events, and working together to achieve something (parenting, renovating a home, enjoying a hobby or sport such as golf or football). Returns and output are connection and intimacy and honest communication.
- What are we investing into our relationship and how often?
- Are we intentional about time together?
- What outcomes would we like to see?
4. Remember love is a behaviour, not just a feeling. Feelings can be tremendously fickle and can change frequently and can be altered through circumstances. Love is a commitment and involves daily choices and actions. Let’s be honest: you don’t always feel deeply in love, just as you don’t deeply enjoy heading to the supermarket to stock the fridge. You can’t rely on your feelings because the fridge does need some supplies in it, and you need to shop whether you feel like it or not. Relationships are the same as your feelings wont always be happy and loving and positive and your commitment requires that you keep working at it.
- How do I express love to my partner?
- What choices can I make daily to show my partner how I feel?
- How can I make good choices no matter how I feel?
Please don’t read this as a judgement about what you may or may not be doing well. It’s actually just about doing a check and looking at what you’d like to work on. If your goal is about improving the way you communicate, connect and work together than constant checking where you are at is useful. And if you find you need help, then ask for it.
